"Retired, Rewired… and Dangling From a Tree"

Retirement’s great. You finally get to say “yes” to things you used to dodge—like volunteering… hobbies… and death-defying obstacle courses.

Since moving to Florida, I lost 30 pounds. I’m swimming, biking, dancing—I’m not just retired, I’m REWIRED!Strong, fit… and slightly delusional.

So my niece and her children are coming to visit, and I hit Groupon like, “Let’s find something fun!”I see: Ropes Course. Nature. Adventure. Liability waivers.What could go wrong?

Now, I’m the person who does stuff with the kids, I am Aunty so I tested it out first—like a responsible adult with questionable judgment.

I pay $89 to scare the crap out of myself in the woods…With strangers…Led by a 20-year-old named Maddy, who looked like she needed protein and a nap.

We watch the safety video. First 30 seconds: “fractures,” “dislocations,” “death.”I stopped listening after “fractures” and started wondering if I packed snacks.

We head outside. I point to a course like I know what I’m doing:“That looks doable!”Maddy goes, “That’s the test course.”I point again—“Okay, that one?”She goes, “That’s for kids.”I said, “Do you have a nap course? Maybe a snack and a little lie down?”

Then she says, “Skilled people go first… Mary Ellen, you’ll stay back with me.”Oh, great. Nothing boosts your confidence like being benched by a child named Maddy.

Then came the ladder—40 feet straight up.Halfway up I’m thinking… I could’ve just taken them to the beach.

First obstacle? One wire for my feet, one for my hands—Basically tightrope walking… with a wedgie.I’m hugging that wire like it owes me money.

By the third platform I’m drenched in sweat, pretending to enjoy nature,But really just trying not to puke.

And I was out there three hours.Three hours of grunting, praying, and trying not to die before Maddy did.

When I finally got down, I ate a turkey sandwich like it was filet mignon and thanked Jesus I still had knees.

Then Maddy goes, “We have a woman who does all four courses three times a week. She’s 65 and finishes in under an hour.”I said, “Cool. I’m 68… and I now hate her.”